Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
