i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
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