I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
