I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
