im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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