At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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