every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
