why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Come on in and take your pants off
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