I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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