I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
