note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
