You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
After tacos, we're chasing women.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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