Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
