I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
