I think i peed on brittanys purse
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
