I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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