planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
meet me or not, i'm out of control
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
