better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
