I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
