I'm laying in your front yard are you home
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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