He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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