she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Randomize
