I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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