Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
