my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
