The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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