I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
