I think my vagina is haunted
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Randomize
