They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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