He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
