I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
