fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
