We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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