I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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