the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
