there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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