i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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