I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
