I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
