Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
