Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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