I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
