I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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