she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
