You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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