never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You left your underwear on the fireplace
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We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
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If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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