Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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