I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
