I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
