In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
