i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
