after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize
