I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
