the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
