he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
