I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
