if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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