Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
