mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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