I only kidnapped one of them. chill
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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