D3 body, D1 cock
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
