thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
